Principal O’Grady (Kate McKinnon) had good news and bad news for the graduating class of St. Mary Magdalene by the Expressway.
“The good news,” she said, “is you’re all getting diplomas – with the exception of John Quigley. The bad news is that you’re about to pay full price for fancy colleges when they’re all just University of Phoenix Online with worse tech support.”
The bad news? Their first seven choices for commencement speaker turned them down, including “Barack and Michelle Obama, Axl Rose, murder hornets, the Limu Emu (from the Liberty Mutual ads), that dude from ’90 Day Fiancé’ who looks like a hedgehog and the Elon Musk/Grimes baby.”
Thus, the principal said, “I moved on to your eighth choice. Receiving one vote: President Donald Trump.”
Alec Baldwin, clad in a navy jacket with a POTUS seal and MAGA hat (but seemingly without his Trump wig) congratulated “the class of COVID-19.”
After explaining his appearance (“My valet got the virus so I had to do my own makeup. I had to resort to a Liza Minnelli TikTok makeup tutorial”), he told the new graduates how honored he was to be their “valedictator.”
“Now today is not about me, it’s about you,” he told the teens before inevitably bringing the topic back to himself. “I’ve been treated very poorly – even worse than they treated Lincoln.”
When a black student (Chris Redd) chimed in to ask, “Wasn’t Lincoln assassinated?,” the president quickly shut him down, saying, “I’m not taking questions, Bebop,” but Lincoln “would probably be smiling up at me from hell.”
When other African-American students registered their displeasure, he ordered the director to “mute all the Jazz-Taps,” prompting them to hang up en masse.
Undaunted, he moved on, telling them they were lucky to be graduating now due to all the exciting new job opportunities out there, like “grocery store bouncer, camgirl, porch pirate, amateur nurse and coal.”
He promised to make sure colleges would be open in the fall: “Online college is a scam and I should know: my online college was ranked No. 1 by U.S. News as world’s craziest scam every year it was open.”
When a student (Beck Bennett) interrupted to yell, “Yo, we want Fauci,” he replied, “Sure, everybody loves Fauci. Don’t you hate when these elite medical experts tell you what to do?” He then excused himself while he chugged a half-gallon of bleach, or as he called it, “good old invincibility juice.”
As even more students logged off, he said, “I’m gonna be honest with you: I know this is hard so I’m gonna give you some real advice: Believe in yourself and you can achieve anything. Look at me. I started as the son of a simple wealthy slumlord and grew to become a billionaire, a president and the world’s leading expert on infectious diseases. Surround yourself with with the worst people you can find. That way, you’ll always shine. If you don’t understand something, just call it stupid. Never wear sunscreen. And live everyday like it’s your last because we’re gonna let this virus run wild.”
Finally, Trump said, “I’ll leave you with one of my favorite inspirational quotes. Reach for the stars – because if you’re a star, they let you do it.”
By the time he finished, just one student and the principal were left.
“Wow,” he observed. This crowd has thinned out faster than Adele.”
Then Baldwin added, “And taped from my home, one last time, it’s Saturday night.”